Hey! Have some more of me.

A song I wrote I while back, but only just found! Woot. Am I really this emo? *shrug*

Who said I was moving on?

In which I pose questions
To be answered by none other
Than the one who's failed
And fallen from his life

The one who cannot see
The takes to make life need
The key to a life within my grasp
The unlocked door to another lapse

I take this time to understand
The void of self control on hand
Do I remain another day
With motivation depleted, here doth I lay

Focus on change or see it collapse
Take these promises, an unlit match
To burn a fire long since subdued
To regain my life misconstrued

For all my errors, I drink them whole
Not a bottle to spare, nor one to console
My past I lost in memory's flow
Your knowing smile has lost its glow

Your racing heart has slowed its pace
With loss I feel I'm face to face
Will your eyes light up, will I see that charm
I once possessed
Now I must arm
Myself with structure and the fire
To make you sweat, cause you to perspire

Selfish demons behind my smile
Tread my path through this dark mile
And upon conclusion pray for me to die
Rise again, see eye to eye

With all I've become, now became
I desire for past to swallow my name
Chances lost over what we felt
Was really just a coffin, nailed

I take these words, oh little rhymes
And pray you feel this weight of mine
For every day, for now I know
Seasons change, new life does grow

After a winter long, the spring needs time
To plant the seeds of passion so fine
To blossom once more with colours exotic
Fighting for love, life, chaotic

I guess now I'm saying
I'm learning, I'm trying

Give this fresh spring a chance
Or hollow souls on ashes we dance
Help me to feel like I mean everything
And that's what I'll give you, alive, promising

And I know these words will never do,
But know them now,
Love is you.

Hello. This is me. This is what I do.

A rather morbid song, written from the heart.

DIY Suicide For Broken Hearts

If I were broken
And a hammer lay on my hospital bed
Would you thake these nails
And fix me, repair me?

Thrust a nail through my spine
So I couldn't feel a thing when you touch
Another for good luck
Lines of blood, no feeling, visuals blurred

Take another nail, and press it between my eyes
Drive your point home, deep inside my skull
Your words won't flow through my ears
So bleed them fthrough the hole in my head

Another nail reserved, it's up against my chest
Slightly to my left, pierces skin and lung
You slide inside my heart
And tear the soiled fabric you find

Your final nail is drawing near
A place so tranquil and shattered
A thousand sights lit by a million lights
Shrouded in shadow, though glint of metal pierces,
Erupts my soul and deafens my sight
And all goes black, no pain endured,
Last living sight before death is the shade descending over
Blood red skies overlooking
Entire
Life
And
Death

And all is calm and black once again.

As sleepy as a lemon-scented handwipe.

Yes I did drink that wine... 3/4 of a bottle. Felt fine in the morning though, who'd've thought. I rarely drink nowadays.

Bog standard journey yesterday. Strategic Management lecture really boring. Bah. So decided to graffiti my lecture notes with ideas on how to time travel/morph to a different space-time path. It is all rather interesting and I felt INCREDIBLY clever... I will not bore the blog with details though, suffice to say I did draw one interesting conclusion from my jottings:

To travel to a future timepoint on the destination SpaceTime path, you must manipulate that destination SpaceTime path to your existing SpaceTime path.

To travel to a timepoint in the past on the destination SpaceTime path, you must manipulate your existing SpaceTime path to the destination SpaceTime path.

See how I wrote that in italics? *flex* Makes me feel clever ^^

Last night I just bummed around on my PS2 and the internet really. Learned of the Fruityloops demo (a program I discovered at version 3, loved, forgot about, and is now at v7...) which allows you to use the $450 program for free. You just can't save.

'Ye Gads!' I hear you cry! Fear not, you can still export to wav and mp3 once you have finished your project. Although I am having to keep my computer on and FL still running every hour of the day. Never mind!

Something funny happened to me last night, something that has not really happened for a while. I got into bed at about 11pm expecting to have to get up at 6am for a lecture at 9am. At about 11.30pm, I felt a burning desire to check my email, so I did. Lo and behold, I had just been sent an email from my Friday lecturer saying there was no lecture today! I was most overjoyed. So I had toast to celebrate and went back to bed.

So I will work now on my Fruityloops creation. It's going to be very soft and mellow and possibly emo-based because that is the way I write...

Solitude

I have had a much needed break today. Had a good lie in, got up and had some toast, and sat down to check what was new on the world of the internet. Unfortunately the day has been tainted by me coming down with something that disagrees with my immune system. Just feel generally rubbish. Yeuch.

Learned yesterday that they are going to make The Hobbit into a movie. 'They' being the creators of the LotR trilogy of movies. This pleases me very much, as I am a big fan of the films. NO I haven't read the books. Although maybe I should put some time aside for reading some time... My brain feels so dead right now. I cannot concentrate at uni, I am clumsy, I cannot even form coherent sentences when speaking any more, I look at the time and as soon as I look away it has gone from my brain and I have to look again. It is all getting a bit much at the moment. I don't know what I can do.

I decided to play WoW for a while today. Of course, I was met by NO fps and constant disconnections because my wireless hates its life and thus takes it out on me. It is strange how I can play it almost constantly for over a year and a half, and suddenly I have no desire to play it
anymore.

I just want to hide away where nothing can hurt. I want to hide away and learn about things that I want to, that I won't be assessed on or that I am being told to learn, I want to shift out of this world. I want to just leave. I never really know what to say though, but it is perfect in my head. *shrug*

My writing is suffering. I haven't written anything in a while. I guess this is part of the reason for me starting this blog, so I can actually write without feeling awful because I can't write anything decent.

Now, the big question of the night is: "There is a bottle of wine in the fridge. I have to be up at 6am. It is 10pm now. Do I drink some and risk feeling awful tomorrow? Or do I drink none and worry about not getting to sleep until gone 12?"

I have my answer. To the fridge!

Ouchy

I saw Sam and Kehri (Kehri? Kerry? Keri? *shrug*) on the bus this morning, as I was on my way to uni. They were going to see a pub in Nottingham that they might wish to buy. While we were at New St., we got tea from a little place called Ritazza. These people do EXTREMELY HOT TEA. Upon sampling my freshly purchased beverage, I swiftly came to realise that it was indeed actually still boiling in my cup. My tongue has suffered all day; it still feels like someone has run a cheesegrater across it a few times, even 14 hours after. I have nothing profound or interesting to say about this!

I don't have to get up tomorrow. This makes me very happy as I can stay in bed until boredom overcomes me. I might go and see Sam too. Things have been a bit rough lately, but she is feeling under the weather so I will go and be nice and loving and things!

Now I feel the throes of sleep embracing me, so instead of repelling it, I will embrace it also and catch up on some sorely needed rest.

The coincidences of evil's residence

Well hello there.

Sometimes my life seems to move in waves. Recently, things have been happening that make me sit down and question myself, and the world around me. One example of such is 'coincidence'. Lately, I have been noticing a lot of things that appear to happen due to previous events. Mostly they are minor things. For example, I sat down to create this blog and decided to give it a Hitchhiker's GTTGalaxy kind of title. I don't know why, but it seemed fairly appropriate. Then, a few minutes later, I look up linkbacking on the help section of blogger, and they have an example showing Arthur Dent (the man from HHGttG).

One may simply put this down to coincidence. But for me it happens in 'chunks'. For ages I will go without having this happen to me. But then it starts happening ALL THE TIME. And by that I mean, 3 or 4 times a day something will happen that causes me to stop and think exactly what I'm thinking now. It is cyclic, if you will.

Saw Resident Evil: Extinction tonight. Pretty jumpy film, even for me. Seemed to be over far too quickly though. Lined up for a(another) sequel quite nicely. I was pouring a glass of water when I got home, and started thinking about what would happen if a virus or some such -was- to break loose and infect the human race. What would happen? What would I do? I doubt I have the confidence or leadership skills to be a survivor. But faced with a situation like that, would something be unlocked within me? Would a basic survival instinct override my psychological personality? And what is it like to be undead, anyway?

Nightmare journey on the way home from uni today. Ignoring the blatant screwup by the uni which resulted in there being no RM tutorial (meaning I had stayed for an extra hour and a half for nothing...), waiting for a bus, in the rain, for an hour and a half is not my idea of fun. These buses are supposed to run every 20 minutes. So of course, when one -does- show up, there are 50 people who are desperate to get home piled into this bus. Being 6ft 3, trying to sit on bus seats with no leg room, and squished in a window seat for a 1.5 hour journey home kinda makes me think 'is it all worth it?". At least I had my ipod.

Until it died 15 minutes into the journey.

I felt like screaming ARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I want dinner. But I'm not hungry. But dinner. *runs*